This Fourth of July I decided to do something I rarely do. My close neighbors, a very nice, older Jamaican couple always ask me come by and join them whenever they have a cookout or family get-together, so I decided to take them up on their offer.
I usually don’t join them because I’m not what you would consider a very social person and their events usually consist of a 10 to 1 ratio of men to women (much more men). Most of the men who visit them are family and they are visiting from Jamaica. In addition most of them are married, yet they still try to see if they can sleep with you.
happily married manI left my daughters grandmothers house and it was about 9:00pm. When I walked into the house I could hear my neighbors laughing really loud. It sounded like they were having a lot of fun so I decided to go on over. When I walked up everyone was still laughing. The older couple I knew and their daughter and her husband were there. There were also six males. Everyone was drinking and having a good time. I said hello to everyone and my neighbor’s wife (we will call her Vee) asked me to have a seat. I was wearing big grey sweatpants and a brown tee-shirt and flip flops. I probably looked like I was wearing pajamas.
Vee asked me to sit down and offered me some Jamaican Rum. For some reason, Rum makes me horribly ill, so I declined and instead asked if they had any beer. I like beer and it doesn’t make me sick. Vee asked me if I liked Red Stripe beer and I told her, “yes”. She asked her husband to hand me a beer because he was closest to the refrigerator, which was outside. Vee then asked me if I wanted something to eat. She was a great cook and brought me plates of food on several occasions. I accepted and got up and followed her into the house. She cooked roast pork, jerk chicken, rice and peas, and potato salad. Potato salad was one of my favorites and she made some of the best.
Vee was a very good hostess and she liked seeing people eat. She piled my plate up full enough for 3 people with roast pork and rice and peas. Then she handed me the plate and told me to help myself to the salad and potato salad. There was no room on my plate for anything else, but I managed to slide it all around and find a small space for the potato salad.
Before we headed back outside Vee asked me if I was going to hang out with them. I said, “Sure, I will”. We went outside and I sat down with my food and beer. Everything was delicious. Everyone was drinking and teasing each other and making jokes. There was a guy sitting across from me who looked like he was about to fall out of his chair. Everyone started teasing him and saying that since he was looking at me so hard that he should open up his mouth and talk to me. Vee told everyone that I was single, she’s always telling me that I need a man to help me out. Then the joke became who was going to be the guy to have the balls to say something to me.
I really wasn’t interested in meeting anyone and none of these men were really my type. However, this was irrelevant since I was only there to have a few laughs. One of the older guys came and sat next to me and asked me if I had a boyfriend. I knew this particular guy because he was always at my neighbor’s house and he was always staring me down or trying to strike up a conversation with me. He previously informed me that he lived close and that he was a plumber and had his own business and he frequently went fishing. I’m not that young, but he was old enough to be my father and I am not interested in older men. On top of that, I didn’t like the way he stared at me.
Anyway, I told him that I didn’t have a boyfriend, because I don’t and he asked me if I was sure I didn’t have a boyfriend. Now I don’t know how you cannot be sure whether or not you have a boyfriend, but I assured him I didn’t. I knew he went fishing because he invited me to go with him a couple of times when I saw him cleaning fish in my neighbor’s backyard and he knew I liked fishing because he saw me carry in my fishing poles one day, so we started talking about fishing.
He invited me fishing again, told me about his business and his properties in Miami and his acres of land in Jamaica. I really didn’t pay much attention to the invite, but kept up the fishing conversation. He asked me why I never talked to him or gave him my phone number before when he asked. I didn’t want to be rude so I just told him that I had a boyfriend at the time – which I did at that time. He then asked me if I lived alone. I told him that I lived with my daughter. Then he asked me if I was sure I lived alone. I told him again that I lived with my daughter. He then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to know because he didn’t like drama. At this point, I’m on my second Red Stripe Beer and I’m sitting there looking at this old man, who is about 5 feet 2” tall to my 5 feet 4 inches, has a stomach like he’s going on 7 and a half months pregnant, ears so full of hair that he wouldn’t need ear muffs in the Antarctica, and I’m thinking WOW! Who in the hell gave him the idea that he was going to come to my house?
I tried to laugh it all off and I told him that I didn’t like drama either hoping to leave it at that. Then he went on to tell me that I should give him my phone number or leave it with Vee so that she could give it to him (he is good friends with Vee’s husband). At this point I’m thinking, “hmmm…..let’s see how far this old fart takes this”. I find human behavior interesting and amazing at the same time, so I just sit back and start to listen to his spewings (my word creation for spitting out bullshit). I like to name everyone, so let’s call this one “Old Goat”.
Anyway, Old Goat goes on to tell me that he hates drama too and that he is a “happily married man” and that his children are grown. He then tells me that since he’s been married, he’s had a girlfriend for 9 years and that she worked for the government and that he was really “Good” to her – keep in mind……..the girlfriend is in addition to the wife he’s “happily married” to. He then says, “You know, I never even asked my girlfriend for money or anything”. About this time, I nearly spit out my drink. After filling me in on his benevolent acts with his girlfriend he asks me again about my phone number and taking me out and then finishes off the conversation with the, “I’m a Happily Married Man” quote of the year.
All I could think was damn, “I’ sure am glad I’m not Happily Married “. I then excused myself and went home. I wanted to vomit. The next day, I see Vee and she thanked me for coming by. She then brought up Old Goat. I assured her that I wasn’t interested in anyone’s husband. She laughed and said yeah, “especially one that needs Viagra”. We both laughed. She then told me that Old Goat’s wife was very sick.
Am I wrong for wanting to stab this man?